THE BOY THAT LOVED RABBITS - FACING MY SHADOWS

This short story is the journey of discovery of a little boy’s love for rabbits and his darkest shadows, and a path of healing through forgiveness and acceptance, to his biggest gift.

It was in 1963, on a beautiful crisp clear morning in Bellville, South Africa that a mother returned home with her three sons after walking to the local Post Office to post a letter to her family in England. After putting the youngest son in his play pen, strangely tired, she lay down and asked her eldest son to read to her. She had been suffering from pains in her legs and the walk to the Post Office now made the pain worse. As she nodded off to sleep he used the book to cool her, fanning her as she seemed uncomfortable and hot. Silently she fell asleep never to awaken again. She had suffered a heart attack from the blood clot in her leg. Unaware the boy continued to fan his mother.

Figure 1; the little boy that loved rabbits mom

The second eldest son was sitting in the lounge on the floor using the sun light streaming in through the window to make finger shadows of a rabbit on the wall. His mother had taught him to make finger shadows on his bedroom wall. He was afraid of the dark and as he loved rabbits this was always his favourite finger shadow and helped him not to feel alone in the dark.

In no way did the little 4 year old boy that loved rabbits know that on this day events would be set in motion causing his entire life to take a direction that would cause the shadow of rabbits to become his darkness.

Ambulance men in uniform, priests, sirens, a funeral, family and friends visiting and a father in mourning: - The significance of these things couldn’t be understood by the little boy that loved rabbits. Questions about where his mother was and when she would come and read him stories and tuck him into bed again, answered with stories of Jesus having taken her away as he needed her more than the little boy did. But I need her too! Please Jesus send her back you have had her long enough. Sadness, sorrow and change! Dear Jesus please, just once more, allow her to come read me a bedside story and tuck me in? I’ll never ask again if you only let her enter my room one more time.

Figure 2 from right to left, the little boy that loved rabbits with his baby brother Gary, and his eldest brother Peter.

Then one Sunday dad seemed happier and told the boy that today he would take him and his brothers to visit some real rabbits. We were the only people at this big place that had rabbits. Dad took us into the back garden and there they where is a wooden rabbit hutch. We had brought carrots to feed the rabbits, trilled, exited and giggling as there little noses wiggled when they sniffed and ate the carrots.

Figure 3; from left to right, the little boy who loved rabbits with his father and youngest brother meeting the rabbits at Marsh Memorial Homes.

The father asked if the little boy that loved rabbits would like to live here where the rabbits lived and in utter disbelief he answered: “Really dad can, can we, can we please?” Then I can always feed the rabbits.

The boys where shown to a large dormitory with rows of beds and father showed them that he had already packed a suitcase with all their belongings. They happily placed their possessions in the cabinets and cupboards next to the beds allocated to them. Father said he had to leave the boys and promised that he would come to visit on weekends when he could. As the day continued more and more boys arrived and the beds and cupboards became fuller and fuller.

The Marsh Memorial Homes in Rondebosch, was to become the home to the three boys for the next few years. The little boy that loved rabbits would spend his days sitting crying at the rabbit hutch not understanding why his father had also abandoned him. At night when all the boys where asleep he would silently lie and raise his hands and use the moon light to make rabbit shadows on the wall. But over time he began to realise that not even his love for rabbits could make him happy, his loneliness deepened and grew.

One day his sadness caused such pain that he became ill and ended up in the infirmary. The nurses where kind and caring and he met an elder boy that was in the infirmary that gave him attention and took an interest in him. He became like an older brother to the boy. This older boy was a senior and had the little boy that loved rabbits not become ill he would never have met the older boy. The older boy went to high school and he was the leader of a gang that owned their own tree house in a huge old oak tree past the apple orchards behind the orphanage. When they were both well the elder boy took the young boy with him to the tree house and he was the only one from the junior dormitory allowed into the tree house. Nobody was ever allowed to hurt, say nasty things or tease the little boy who loved rabbits any more as he had the protection of the elder boy. The little boy that loved rabbits stopped visiting the rabbit hutch and fell in love with his new protector and spent every spare moment in his company. One Sunday morning in the chapel during morning mass, while sitting with the youngest boys in the first row of church pews the boy noticed a pray-mantis sitting on the handrail that separated the inner sanctum from the rest of the church. He looked in amazement at the insect, it seemed to be praying. He wondered if Jesus listened to the pray-mantis as it seemed Jesus never heard his prayers. He asked the pray mantis to please ask Jesus how his mother was and when his father was coming to take them home.

That day his dad came to visit after church, he had beautiful women with him. The three brothers where introduced to the lady and they were taken on a picnic and told that they would soon be coming home to live with their dad and this new lady.

Soon the day arrived and the boys were removed from the orphanage, their father remarried and they were now introduced to a step brother and two step sisters. The young boy that loved rabbits missed his protector and the visits to the tree house. He deeply missed the care and love the elder boy showed towards him. His eldest brother and step brother where so much bigger than him but they teased him for being weaker, smaller and silly and hurt him, ganging up on him. He longed for the comfort and protection of the older boy at the orphanage why could he never see him again?

Many years past and the boy grew older and went to school. The family lived in Somerset West in the Western Cape and the boy now had a huge rabbit hutch with hundreds of rabbits. He spent every spare moment caring and looking after his rabbits. At night he was filled with thoughts of sadness and the only way to help him feel better was to dream of being taken away by someone that would own and protect him. Just like he cared for his rabbits so he wished he could be caged and loved and cared for by someone like himself that loved him unconditionally. The dreams became darker and darker as he lost his ability to find joy other than in seeking it in darkness and the nightmares of his mind.

Perhaps if he became ill he would be sent back to the infirmary and he would again meet his protector or a new protector that would love and care for him and that he could look up to and admire. Maybe if he was ill his brothers would stop hurting him. At least if he was sick his father and step mother would have to take extra care of him and he would get the most love and attention.

The Hottentots Holland Mountain range was covered in snow, icy winds gushed around the home and the rain outside was icy cold. The boy decided that he could make this all happen by taking action himself and he took a hot, hot bath and ran into the rain hoping that he would become ill. He ran back inside and jumped back into the hot bath and then dashed back outside and stood in the cold until his body ached with the pain of the cold winter’s night. The next morning he awoke and did not feel anything was wrong and sadly felt that he could not even get it right to make himself sick. During school that day he developed a terrible fever and was sent to the school infirmary. His stepmother was called to fetch him and he was taken home. He became awfully ill; the doctors said he had double bronchitis and severe bronchial pneumonia. His wish to become ill was a reality he had been able to take control and cause enough harm to himself that his stepmother had to take special care of him. The seriousness of his illness resulted in him missing an entire term of schooling and everyone was sorry for him and showed him love and compassion.

He lay in bed fighting the illness, and no matter how bad he felt or how sick he was he was content as he lay making rabbit shadows on the wall. He felt loved and care for and that was all that mattered.

The little boy that loves rabbits is a big man now; he still loves rabbits but never makes shadows of rabbits on the wall anymore.

The shadow of this man remains hidden from himself and others as throughout his life he has used illness to find love and compassion. Controlled and suppressed he has learnt to successfully hide his darkest feelings, his deepest thoughts and darkest shadows. Yet he has used a natural empathy for others that suffer and are ill or in pain. He has reached out to many people feeling the reality of their pain. While he hides his own pain, he has tirelessly fought to protect his shadows from revealing themselves to others. He has suffered many illnesses, been diagnosed with a malignant melanoma, now living with HIV he has become a champion helping many to come to terms with this dark, dreaded disease. Not aware that through his unconscious mind he has attracted these diseases to himself.

Yet only today, has he learnt that the very shadow of his entire life has been his greatest gift. The shadow he has spent so much energy hiding has been the universes purpose for his life.

Today I embrace my shadow; my name is Alan Brand, the author of the book Positively Alive, the Group Wellness Manager of a large South African corporate company. I have counselled and helped many to move from the darkness of HIV into acceptance. I continue to dedicate my life to teaching others to come to terms with being HIV positive, living with chronic diseases, battling with cancer and emotional pain. I acknowledge my shadow; it is my greatest gift and no longer controls and hurts me. I step forward and took the lead in creating a support network for HIV + gay men in South African. I forgive myself for bringing harm to my body and for attracting hurt and pain in my life as I now learn to embrace my shadow. Without the experiences of my darkest shadows I could never have had the ability, the empathy and strength to stand up and help others to find the shadow in their own lives.

I have continue to walk the path of illness, annually suffering more and more health issues not aware that subconsciously I am attracting these illnesses to myself as it has become my life’s experience. Today I set my shadow free; I hold it high and reveal it to all to see. I forgive and embrace by shadow and accept that, that which I have been so scared to reveal has become my greatest gift.

I am today facing the little boy who loved rabbits; I am facing the terror of loneliness, despair, and abandonment. I forgive Jesus for “needing” my mother at a time when I needed her so much more. I forgive my father for taking me to see rabbits and leaving me in an orphanage, I forgive myself for seeking illness as my only means to find comfort and love. I embrace my higher purpose, my heroic self; I reveal my darkness and have overcome my shadows. I forgive not because I condone or seek to give these events or the people responsible the power or joy of my forgiveness, my forgiveness is selfish. I need to forgive as the only means to release myself from the pain caused and experienced. Through forgiveness I set my soul free and can heal.

The journey continues as I walk a path of healing, living and thriving with HIV and using my shadow self; to understand the pain of others I will continue to learn how this shadow has given me the power to reach the greater purpose of my life.

I seek to stop the need to call pain and illness into my life as my means to find comfort and protection. The adult man now meets the little boy, who loves rabbits, and lifts him into his arms, embraces him lovingly allowing him to life in harmony with his shadows.

Written by: Alan Brand; Date 19 March 2010

I love myself, am lovable and deserve to be loved!

Even though the desire to find love is deep and real sometimes it is the belief in one’s self that is the biggest hurdle placed in the path of finding that someone to love. If you do not feel worthy of love or say words about yourself and others that in fact hinder attracting that someone special to yourself you could be encouraging the very thoughts that turn people from you or place doubt in your mind that someone is out there for you. As yourself if you say the following:

- Does Mr right exist, where is he?

- Nobody finds me attractive!- I always get hurt and am left disappointed and alone.

- I wonder if I deserve to be love it must be that something is wrong with me!

- When is someone going to appear in my life for me?

- If I say I am HIV + they run!

- He is too clever, sexy, he will not be interested in me!

- I want to find the man of my dreams!

All of these words might be very real and your current experience but if you remain fixed in then and repeat them they will become the path you are choosing for yourselves. You see you can want something with all your heart and head and continue to say the words “I WANT, I WANT”. Every time you say you want you are acknowledging that you do not have.

Now consider this lets want in one hand and spit in another! Come on “want in one and spit in the other” …… now tell me which hand will become full first the hand filled with ‘want’ or the hand overflowing with spit.

In the same way saying, I want, might actually be reinforcing the very elements and realities in the universe that are limiting or stopping you from getting what you want to begin with.

I know this is how we are programmed to think or taught to respond. But what if by simply changing what we say we could trigger and re programme our belief about ourselves and start a process that can bring about profound change in our lives?

What if by, instead of using negative words about relationships and love we begin by saying positive things about ourselves, love and relationships could our words begin to change what we believe about ourselves and allow the universe to release the powers to actually make these words become our reality and lives experiences? This sounds too simple, too easy, it could never work! Yet are not your words a manifestation of what you believe and in fact your reality.

Let’s start today to reprogram the mind by starting with the words we use and say and so instead of saying “I want” let’s replace it with “I am” using affirmations to change the program of the mind.

Affirmations might just be positive statement s but when you replace your negative thoughts with positive affirmations and allow them to grow from words into what you believe about yourself they become an unstoppable force … an energy that will bring about the changes in your life that you so deeply desire.

Here are some affirmations for love and relationships:

I live in harmony and balance with everyone I know.

I love myself therefore I attract loving people into my life

I release the past and I am free to love fully in the present.

I love myself and am free.

I am loveable and able to give and receive love.

The more love I give the more I receive in return the supply is endless.

Repeat these to yourself daily again and again as if with every word said you are watering the seeds that you have planted, in faith, knowing that if you care and tend for these seeds they will grew and flower and become the reality of your life.

December Holidays and Welcome to 2010

Well 2010 has arrived Johan and I spent old years eve at Risque Club and enjoyed the festive mood dancing and celebrating the advent of 2010 in each other arms on the dance floor.

THE HOLIDAY

We have returned from a wonderful holiday travelling through the Eastern and Western Cape. Highlights of the trip where the two nights in the Karoo National Park and hiking through the park early in the morning before having breakfast. This was a really good choice of first stop as the total tranquility and starkness helped us to slow down and become relaxed very quickly. I have heard that in the Karoo (which is a semi dessert region) it is so quite that you can hear the silence. I now again can confirm that this is not just a saying but a reality. The night sky is so filled with star light, the air fresh and clean and even the springbok and red hartebees stand silently listening to the silence. Without even realising it one begins to whisper and the soul has time to reflect and be still.

VALLEY OF DESOLATION

From the central Karoo we travelled via Graaff-Reinet and visited the "Valley of Desolation". Now when we told the girls we where going to the "Valley of Desolation" Brenda said that means you are going to see "f@3**" all well one might have thought so but wow it was truly a splendid place of such incredible beauty. Also being able to learn about how the Karoo basin was formed and why the area was an inland sea was truly informative.

In Graff-Reinet we happened upon a Pierneef art exhibition and as I am a huge fan of his works this simply was a magical and special experience.

PORT ELIZABETH

We needed to get to Port Elizabeth (PE) however so on with our journey as we had planned two nights stay with a dear Friend in PE (also called Mandela Bay) as Nelson Mandela comes from the area in the Eastern Cape. We had two wonderful days with Denise and visited the Addo Elephant National Park while in PE.

BARRYDALE

The next two nights Johan had booked us a accommodation just outside the little town of Barrydale in the heart of Route62 and the wine, brandy and fruit region of the Little Karoo. The working farm has only one cottage on the banks of the Tradouw River and just as the road begins to meander up through the historic Tradouw Pass. Again the tranquility and peace of solitude and the beauty of our surroundings made the place magical and romantic. We swam in the river and watched Oryx grazing on the hill opposite the cottage while still lying in bed with the curtains open to the rising sun and beginning of the new day.

We also met two wonderful guys in Barrydale and spent a lovely evening with them. They are the owners of a renowned artistic chandelier manufacturing shop in Barrydale...

One other thing began to happen while we where in Barrydale and that was the tasting and purchase of far too much wine and brandy. Hmmmm well what can I say the boot began to overflow onto the back seat of the car as our luggage had to make place for purchased bottles and boxes of wine. Sadly our stay in Barrydale was two short and after two nights we had to move on to Cape Town.

CAPE TOWN

Cape Town as always is simply a dream holiday destination not only because that is where I come from and my dad and step mom still live there but the mountains sea and beautiful city at the foot hills of Table Mountain and on the banks of Table Bay must be one of the most beautiful cities in the world. We where staying at the Waterfront Southern Sun Hotel with a great view over the city and the new soccer stadium.

We had Christmas day lunch with my dad and my niece (Chanel) at the Cape Sun hotel and wow what a spread. We shopped at the new Cape Quarter, travelled to Parternoster on the west coast and bought more wine at the Swartland wine cellar, bathed nude at the nudist beach at Sandy Bay, partied in the gay district, visited family and relaxed.

All to soon our departure for home was upon us and yet memories of special places, new friends and a car load of goodies plus plenty happy snaps to remember the time together.

So with these thoughts I enter 2010... warmed, rejuvenated and refreshed .... Looking forward to greater adventures and new challenges.

POSITIVELY ALIVE - HIV Web based Support group for gay men in South Africa

Positively Alive (previously called Jozi Poz Dudes) was created in October 2008 with the aim to provide a safe platform for HIV+ gay men to share experiences and support each other in living healthy responsible lives while coming to terms with their HIV status. Since its creation the site has grown, mostly by word of mouth, to over 100 members with new members joining the site weekly. Although initially started in Johannesburg the site has a large number of members from the Greater Gauteng Province.

Membership is not only limited to Gauteng all HIV+ gay man from South Africa are welcome to join the site.

This internet site is intended to provide a safe space for positive gay men where they can feel confident in knowing that everybody on the site is in the same boat, says Alan Brand, the site administrator.

Membership of the site is free and by invitation only to protect the confidentiality and privacy of members. The site cannot be accessed through search engines such as Google, etc. The site can only be accessed after receiving a personal invitation sent to a legitimate e-mail address. Privacy is protected through the creation of personal user names and passwords.

Since being diagnosed HIV+ in 1997, Alan lives openly with his HIV status and is dedicated to making a difference by breaking the silence and changing the mindset of those he comes into contact with.

Key to the success of the site has been the creation of strictly enforced rules aimed at ensuring that the site does not become simply a new internet gay man’s dating service. POSITIVELY ALIVE is a support site for HIV+ gay men. Although new relationships and romantic liaisons are encouraged this is not the main aim of this site. Many other sites are out there for this purpose.

Confidentially is always respected and protected.

POSITIVELY ALIVE provides a support environment without prejudice or judgment for HIV positive gay men to find love and care and to be 100% true to themselves. Positive gay men no longer need to try to handle their HIV status in isolation. The site provides the space to grow and develop without being forced into disclosure or participate in activities they are not comfortable with.

POSITIVELY ALIVE FOCUS/SUPPORT GROUP MEETINGS

As an extension of the support provided through the internet based website, members of the site are invited to join the support group sessions. These workshops are free and attendance is only for members. These support group sessions are aimed at providing a safe and friendly environment for members to meet and share their feelings, emotions, concerns and joys and just have an opportunity to be with others that are in the same situation as themselves. Although a key reason for the support group sessions is for members to personally interact with each other the sessions do have a theme and a learning component. While members share their experiences of being on treatment, nutritional supplement use and much more, the learning is only one component. The greatest gift of the support group sessions is the love care and support freely given and shared between the members.

Coming to terms with ones HIV status is a key component to prevention the spread of HIV, says Alan. While remaining in fear and silence one is unable to face issues such as disclosure to sexual partners and hence unable to take action and make sound responsible choices. Providing HIV gay men with a platform to express these feeling where they can meet other gay men who have overcome their HIV status and are living healthy and responsible lives will greatly assist the gay community of South Africa to come to terms with the reality of HIV. A recent study among gay men in South Africa found that over half the participants (57%) reported that they “knew” their HIV status, but only two-thirds of those who knew their status has disclosed their status to a sexual partner in the past year. Alan believes that creating open forums for gay men in South Africa to face up to the reality of HIV will help reduce this type of behaviour.

Contact Alan via e-mail at abrand@fedics.co.za should you wish to join the site. Alternatively visit http://www.positively-alive.com/ for more details regarding the website.

David Vance's Prints
Conveys a sense of beauty that is immortal and innocent. One senses that the soul of David Vance is more important to the photograph than the camera...
A quiet strength in interwoven with even the softest of his studies of the female form. A certain delicay is sensed in his powerful portfolio of the male nude.

Of itallian decent, David Vance has been surrounded by the atmosphere of his heritage since childhood. The art, the sculpture, the misic, the litrature and cuisine of his world exposed him at an early age to the classic of observing life. He sees beauty through the eyes of his ancestors, and creates beauty with their same vision.

DAVID VANCE WEBSITE

Disclosure

WHO MUST DO THE TELLING AND WHO MUST DO THE ASKING?

The question is who must do the telling and who must do the asking? Or who is more responsible for stopping the spread of HIV is it all up to the HIV infected person or does the HIV negative person also have equal responsibility.

I wish to put forward that both have equal responsibility. Neither one more than the other. An HIV+ person that knows their status is in a more empowered position to ensure that they protect others. Often the "HIV-" person has never even been tested or has not been tested for years and yet engages in unprotected sex. Ask them if they are positive and they say NO. This type of ignorance is bliss, syndrome is madness! And then have you not heard someone asking a casual partner the question; "Are you clean? What the hell does that mean?? Yes I shower twice a day I am spotlessly CLEAN!!!

Saying I am negative when I have never had an HIV test is as much a lie as saying I am negative when I know I am positive.

So both HIV+ individuals need to take action to stop spreading the virus. Nobody in South Africa can expect to have unprotected sex and think that they are not at risk of becoming infected. South Africa has over 6million HIV+ infected people.What are your thoughts on this issue?? Add to the discussion as the debate will always help others to think and decide on the action they should take to become part of the solution and not blindly and blissfully ignore that it exists.

World AIDS Day – Edition - The Ripple Effect
1 December 2009
Guest Editors – Editorial
Welcome to this bumper World AIDS Day edition of the Ripple Effect brought to you in association with The World AIDS Campaign. This special issue not only provides relevant HIV and AIDS information and articles with details on new developments in the war on HIV and AIDS but is a comprehensive HIV training and information resource.

The World AIDS Campaign theme for 2009/2010 is “Universal Access and Human Rights” as 2010 will be a milestone for the Millennium Development Goals, and aims to encourage high level review of what has, and has not, been accomplished in the aim to achieve access for all to essential care by 2010.

As this is the third year that I am privileged to be the guest editor of the World AIDS Day edition I cannot help but reflect on previous messages and campaigns and notice that there appears to be a number of campaigns that although highly controversial are challenging the methodology and thoughts of previous campaigns.

On Tuesday 6 October 2009, the Health Minister Aaron Motsoaledi, when releasing the results of the 2008 HIV antenatal survey in Pretoria warned that the prevalence of HIV among pregnant women is still unacceptably high and that South Africa would be in “big trouble” if it did not take drastic measures to counter the pandemic.
The prevalence of HIV infections among pregnant women tested was 29.3%, an increase on the 28% antenatal prevalence survey figures released in 2008.
It is very clear that this epidemic is having a huge impact on the health system in South Africa.

A more aggressive prevention campaign is needed while at the same time HIV awareness champions are faced with huge AIDS fatigue when it comes to the messages used to raise awareness of HIV and the killer syndrome it causes, called AIDS.
More of the same is simply not an option any more …it has not worked so far and hence why should one consider that it will in the future. HIV remains incurable but it would be foolish to put forward that nothing has changed in our approach and in our understanding around the science and treatment of the virus. Neither would it be correct to assume that people have the same attitudes they had in the 80’s. It is time to stop the “wishy washy” campaigns filled with an over sensitive approach in fear of offending someone. I have been challenged by a few campaigns we have decided to include in this edition, not because they are polite and sensitive but because they will provoke feelings, emotions and debate.

The “Stop the Villain”, “AIDS is a Mass Murderer” or “SSyney” campaigns are amongst those that will not go unnoticed and might offend someone. Yet, as a person who has been living with HIV for 13 Years, I do not think that I am a villain or a mass murderer. These messages are aimed at a new innovative and fresh approach to making people aware that we still have a deadly virus in our midst. In the same way that I am fighting the virus in my body with the use of anti retroviral treatment, nutrition, treatment of opportunistic infections, support and care we all need to take action that will stop the virus from spreading. HIV is not my friend, it is an uninvited guest and I aim to stop this villain from simply taking over and ending my life. Taking the focus off the infected person and placing it squarely on the culprit THE HI VIRUS seems perhaps to be the correct approach. People are not the villains or the problem; it is the virus that is the problem. We all need to take appropriate action as through our denial we are directly supporting and enabling the virus to continue on its destructive path.

We need to start talking boldly about this virus. Education is the key. The enemy is the virus and this enemy needs to be stopped at ANY cost and the only person that can do this is YOU and ME.

Using the correct language is important in awareness campaigns (read the Training Material on page 19) but it is also important that we unite and name the Human Immune Deficiency Virus for what it is; it is a villain and a mass murderer.
At the same time together and individually we can all play a proactive role to rule out stigma, discrimination and victimisation against those that are infected by the virus. They are not our enemy, the virus is. Lets us be vocal in our demands as we fight for the universal access to treatment, equality, human rights and dignity for all HIV infected people.
Alan Brand
World AIDS Day – 2009