Who can I blame for my HIV status – Dealing with unresolved anger?

“Feeling guilty is a learned response. You’ve been told to feel guilty about yourself for things you did before you could even do anything.” – Neale Donald Walsch [1]

I have often been asked what my initial response was to being diagnosed with HIV. I have tried to reflect back and recall my emotional response on that afternoon in January 1997. All I can remember was having an overwhelming sense of numbness and a feeling of guilt and shame.  Who do I blame for this? All I could think at the time was what an idiot I was; did I really think this would not happen to me?

I guess it would be easy to accept that an HIV+ diagnosis would initially result in feelings of shock and disbelief.  When this initial emotion subsides one is left with a feeling of complete numbness. Especially back in 1997, for me at that time, I had nobody to fall back on, no institution or counsellor to talk to. I could not tell my loved ones as I was totally overwhelmed with a sense of guilt and shame.

The doctor had not even told me she was doing an HIV test when she took my blood for as part of a routine health check. Let’s do a full blood count she had said, not mentioning that she was including an HIV test. When I got the call to make an appointment to receive the result of the “full blood count” I had not given any thought to what the test would be for and hence bounced into the doctor’s rooms as cheerful as always. Without any counselling or warning she pronounced the verdict “your HIV results came back positive” she said, and then proceeded to hand me a slip of paper on which she had written the details of an HIV specialist whom she recommended I make an appointment with. And that was that, nothing more and nothing less. No counselling, information from the medical doctor I had come to trust and called my home doctor.

Many years have past since that day and now I find myself in the fortunate position of being able to provide counselling and support to newly diagnosed individuals. One of the biggest stumbling blocks that continues to limits or hinders the person from breaking through to acceptance and forgiveness is the issue of unresolved anger and a desire to seek out who to blame.

FORGIVE; you might say… what for? Why forgive the person that infected me! If I see him/her on the street I will …..! I can see the feeling of anger well up like a volcano about to erupt! One needs to embrace the reality that these feeling of anger, resentment and loss are all normal and they must be expressed. However, to remain in anger would be to deny oneself the freedom of forgiveness. It was only when I could honestly say that my HIV status was my fault, that I had loaded the pistol and pulled the trigger, that I was able to start a process of forgiveness.

By forgiving you do not condone the actions of others nor do you validate the right that the HI virus has to be in your body. Forgiveness is only fully achieved when one understands that to forgive in itself is a selfish act. I do not forgive the person who infected me for their sake, I do so to release myself and set myself free. I do not accept the virus and forgive it for entering my body, for I did not invite it in, I do so because through forgiveness I take back the power to control my future.

Forgiveness does nothing to the person that it is delivered towards, but it does bring about the miracle of healing in the heart of the forgiver.  So feel your anger and express your loss but do not tally there too long as the long you remain in the dark pit of anger, the longer you will sink into despair and the only person who will suffer will be you.

Rather be selfish and start the journey of forgiveness, forgive yourself, forgive the virus, forgive the person that infected you and on and on the path of forgiveness will lead you. Without forgiveness you are bound to the dark and unresolved feelings of anger and hatred that will consume you. Anger will do nothing but harm you.

“Forgiveness is the path to self-love, and self-love is the key to inner healing. We all make the wrong choices in life at times and we can go through the rest of our lives criticising ourselves for these choices. If we continue to blame ourselves we are bound to that mistake for the rest of our lives. Just as we had the choice then, we have the choice today to release ourselves from that bondage through forgiving ourselves. Forgiving yourself for contracting HIV, for example, or for having unprotected sex, will enable you to move forward, to face others and yourself, and to open the way to loving yourself.[2] 

Through forgiveness release the past and all past experiences.

Continue into the light with love.

Alan Brand

Employee Wellness Consultant

Positively Alive

www.positivelyalive.co.za

albrand@iafrica.com

Alan is also the site administrator of the support network for HIV+ gay, bisexual and transgender men (MSM) in South Africa -Positively Alive  for more details visit www.Positively-Alive.com  

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[1] From Conversations with God, Book 1 on feelings of guilt.

[2] Positively Alive, by Alan Brand, Published by Jacana Media (Pty) Ltd. 2005

POSITIVELY ALIVE

Positively Alive: Living with HIV and AIDS: A Path to Inner Healing

Author: Alan Brand
Published by: Jacana Media
Summary
As a successful, respected and widely accomplished businessman, the last thing Alan Brand expected was to be diagnosed as HIV positive. Positively Alive chronicles Alan's tremendous journey with HIV through vivid and personal journals where his revitalized holistic approach to health became so successful that when he finally divulged his status he had trouble convincing people that he was in fact HIV positive. Breaking the silence about his status helped Alan to turn his HIV status into a positive force in transforming his life and the lives of others.

Positively Alive chronicles Alan's tremendous journey with HIV through vivid and personal journals where his revitalized holistic approach to health became so successful that when he finally divulged his status he had trouble convincing people that he was in fact HIV positive. Breaking the silence about his status helped Alan to turn his HIV status into a positive force in transforming his life and the lives of others.

In writing, Positively Alive, Alan has revealed an intimate and compelling personal account of life with HIV. He shares practical and emotional steps that have helped him live positively with HIV in a rousing account that is both readable and remarkable and gives advice to those who are HIV positive and to their family, friends and caregivers on how to live positively and productively with HIV.

"In 1997 I left my doctors rooms in a state of shock. She had just told me that I was HIV positive. On that day a journey of discovery started.

I remember trying to think what I knew about HIV and found it was very little. One thing, and the only thing I could think of at the time was that I knew for certain I was going to die of AIDS, how long did I have?

I decided to remain silent about my status until I was ready to deal with it. I knew I needed information but didn't know where to find it. Information about HIV/AIDS was mostly about prevention and was based on frightening people into using condoms. I already knew I should have practiced safe sex. I was well informed about the risk of HIV and that I would die of AIDS. This information was useless at this point of my life. But every poster and pamphlet seems intent on propagating this type of fear-based information. Information about living with HIV was difficult to attain. I felt that if I asked for help, people would suspect that I had HIV.

In 1999 I had my CD4 count done, it was discovered that my CD4 had dropped to 236 and I was told that I must start antiretroviral therapy or I would be dead within 18 months. The shock of this news is hard to describe, I guess anger was my first response. My heart cried out in anger:

'Who is this doctor, is he God that he knows how long I have?'

That was the day that things really started to change. Six weeks after changing my attitude and beginning to take charge of the situation I had my CD4 count done and it had recovered to 549. The viral load had also dropped to undetectable levels. That was in January 2000 and at the time I managed to maintain my CD4 and my health without the use of antiretroviral therapy."

Link to publishers webpage: HERE

Link to the above book on the web: HERE